In Sports News: USC Shits the Bed, Cries About It

USC football coach Pete Carroll has been crying and complaining about the BCS lately, and it’s hilarious. For those of you who don’t follow college football, the BCS is a convoluted system of polling and computer analysis that attempts to identify the top two teams in the country for a final championship game. It’s stupid and an infinitely better alternative – a pro-style playoff – could easily be implemented, but the BCS bowl system isn’t going anywhere for the same reason a lot of fucked-up things aren’t going anywhere: because it makes shitloads of money for a lot of people and institutions that already have shitloads of money and therefore have the power to keep it alive.
So here’s where Little Peter Carroll comes in, complaining about something that everyone knows isn’t going to change any time soon. This fucker coaches USC, meaning he usually trots on to the field with a team that has anywhere from 200% to 1000% more talent than the team it is opposing, and yet he’s got something to say about college football being unfair. You see, Little Peter, whose team is so fucking talented it should NEVER lose, lost a game earlier this year to the vastly inferior Oregon State. In a BCS world, that loss cost his team any shot at a championship. Now Pete is openly wishing for a playoff system that would allow his team another shot to prove that it is the best in the land.
We have two things to say to Little Peter:
1. You’re right; a playoff system would be better.
2. Shut the fuck up.
Pete, you know what you could do to help fix the BCS? DON’T LOSE TO OREGON FUCKING STATE. Don’t let your mega-talented team get overconfident and shit the bed against an inferior team.
Unfortunately, Pete has proven he can’t do that, as he’s let it happen once a goddamn year for three years now. This year it was shitty little Oregon State. Last year it was bespectacled Stanford. The year before that, OREGON FUCKING STATE. It’s become like some terrible anti-holiday in LA, only nobody knows where USC Shits The Bed Day is going to fall on the calendar until it actually happens.
In conclusion, we offer Little Peter a piece of advice. In the words of some very wise motherfucker, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”