TRI Presents: Pre-World Cup Awards!

　
Best Reason to Watch the World Cup:
Short of actual wars, the World Cup is the only event where the nations of the world truly compete head-to-head. Please don’t bring up the Olympics. The Winter Olympics are full of a bunch of competitions that only 0.05 percent of the world’s population has ever even tried (luge, bobsled, figure skating, biathalon, ski jumping, etc. etc. etc.) while the Summer Olympics are mostly events like track and field and swimming that come purely down to physical ability and preparation, with no real aspect of performance or teamwork.
Football, on the other hand, is played by just about everyone in every nation on the planet, all playing by the same rules. So if your national team isn’t good enough, you have to wonder, why not? Are your people not physically athletic enough? Not organized enough? Not good enough under pressure? Not in possession of enough resources to devote to athletics?
These can be painful questions when the reputations of entire nations are at stake—which is why the World Cup is the only sporting event in the world that is truly bigger than the games.
　
　
Best U.S. Contribution to World Football:
Music! The riff from "Seven Nation Army" by the White Stripes has been a near-ubiquitous chant in football stadiums around the world for years now.

Watching some of the matches leading up to this year’s Cup, TRI has heard some stadiums chanting the chorus from "Bro Hymn" by Pennywise. If the chorus of a song called "Bro Hymn" by a punk band from Hermosa Beach ends up becoming the musical refrain for the globe’s greatest gathering…well…that’s fuckin awesome, bro!
　
　
Best Team Nickname:
A five-way tie between all the tournament’s African teams: Ghana ("The Black Stars"), Nigeria ("The Super Eagles"), Cameroon ("The Indomitable Lions"), Ivory Coast ("The Elephants") and South Africa ("Bafana Bafana," which roughly translates to, "the boys, the boys").
Compare those to most European teams, whose nicknames mostly come from the color of their jerseys (for instance, Italy wears blue and is known as "The Azzuri," meaning, "the men in blue," while Spain wears red and is known as "La Furia Roja," meaning "the red fury"—at least they threw "fury" in there) and the U.S., which has no real nickname except in Britain, where we’re known as "The Yanks," and here at home, where most hardcore followers refer to the team as "USMNT," short for "U.S. Men’s National Team." Isn’t that poetic.
　
　
Best Backhanded Compliment:
English football pundit Michael Davies said the "maddening" thing about facing the U.S. is this:
"America’s team is not good enough to win the World Cup. However, American athletes never believe that they are not good enough to win."
You’re damn right motherfucker!!!! Um…on both points.
　
Best Horseshit TRI Predictions That Will Most Likely Be Wrong:
Spain romps through the group stage, scoring goals by the bucketful…but Argentina wins the tournament.
Mexico and Uruguay both make surprising quarterfinal runs in the tournament. And since they are in the same group, I guess this means we’re picking former champions France and hosts South Africa to head home after the first round.
The U.S. beats England and makes the quarters!! Fuck yeah!
Portugal’s Cristiano Ronaldo is linked by the tabloids with Yo-Landi of Die Antwoord…and is then murdered by Ninja of Die Antwoord with a samurai sword.