TRI staff gathered last night to wait for updates in the Tiger Woods saga, because we find the news that a man in position of power would cheat on his wife to be one of the most earth-shattering revelations of the last 1,000 years.
Sadly, there were few new developments, the only update we received coming from TRI sports correspondent Barret Strong, who reported that his girlfriend was once brought to orgasm by playing "Tiger Woods Golf 2007" on Xbox and repeatedly hitting the ball into the water while holding the vibrating controller between her legs.
So instead, we watched President Obama accept his Nobel Peace Prize.
We were expecting just to beatbox along like we usually do when the Bammer is laying down his floetry, but when Bamdog laid down the line, "Some will kill. Some will be killed," the beatboxing stopped and a TRI staff roundtable began.
Say what you will about Obama’s performance in office so far. But…wait, actually, let’s take a second to do that.
Say what you will about:
The health care debate: Is it possible for an entire Democratic caucus to bend over so far backwards to please Republicans that they end up licking their own assholes—then have the Republicans criticize their "unrealistic" rimming technique? Why, yes. Yes it is.
Wall Street bailouts: It’s actually hard to "say what you will" about the bailouts because, like all taxpayers, we have a ball gag in our mouth and a line of downtown New York financial douchebags waiting in line behind us to pummel away while reaching into our pockets, all with President Obama looking on approvingly and Timothy Geithner jacking off in the corner.
The Afghanistan strategy: "Er, um, hold on, give me a minute here…dither, dither, dither…Did Sarah Palin just accuse me of dithering?! That bitch!…dither, dither…Hold on, just a minute, er, um, well, jeez.…Okay! We’ll send more troops, but not as many as the general asked for! And THEN we’ll get the fuck out of there!" *wipes sweat from brow*
Cash for Clunkers: Might as well have been Gold for Bowlcuts: go to your local salon for a bowlcut and get a gold bar straight from Fort Knox! After all, barbers are hurting, too. We guess it’s understandable that Obama would shovel money onto the auto industry…We would expect him to do the same for any other American industry that is essential to the fabric of our nation and in danger of going under…*cough* Newspapers! *cough*
Bowing to the Japanese emperor: The only way it’s cool for an American president to bow to non-elected royalty in Japan would be if he followed it by saying in an exaggerated Chinaman voice, "OOooooh, pwease ta meechuu Mista Empowaaaaa…." then threw little karate chops at him.
Calling out a white police officer for acting "stupidly" when he arrested Obama’s Harvard professor buddy, who is black: Uh, Barack? You weren’t there. And your professor buddy seems like an asshole. Saying what you said…well, it was just "stupidly."
Anyway, say what you will about ALL of that. But the president’s speech in Norway reminded us of at least one thing: This is a man who cares, and who understands the gravity of his decisions. Of our troops, he said, "Some will kill. Some will be killed."
Remember how Bush talked about war? "Bring ‘em on." "We’ll smoke ‘em out of their holes." Meanwhile, he wouldn’t even let us see PICTURES of all the American caskets coming back from overseas.
Obama walked into one of the toughest situations in presidential history--and he’s made it look pretty fucking tough. But with that one line–"Some will kill. Some will be killed."–he reminded us that he really is a unique motherfucker in the history of the presidency. He cares and he’s not afraid to show it.
So TRI is here to say that while 2009 may have been a year of strikes and gutters, ups and downs, we stand behind our president going into the new decade.
Obama, the Bammer, the Bamdog, the Head President in Charge: We’re with you, dog. Let’s go get ‘em again. This time it’s for the money.
1 comment:
Love it, Trav.
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